Parents of kids with ADD and ADHD have a hard job ahead of them. Not only do you have to deal with your child or teen’s symptoms (which can be very challenging), you also have to deal with many ‘systems’ out there that are not very understanding or supportive of kids and teens with ADD or ADHD. Parents have to take on the role of: parent, therapist, advocate, educational assistant, medication consultant, etc.

And the worst part is – most parents feel like they are being blamed for their child’s Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – and often you are being blamed.

Let’s be very clear up front: Parenting does not cause ADHD. This has been conclusively proven. I’ll repeat it: Parenting doesn’t cause ADHD.

If anything, having an ADHD child is very stressful, presents unique challenges, and creates low parenting satisfaction. Why? Because of the ADHD.

As a child psychiatrist and a parent myself – my experience is that most people have kids, and despite the fact that they are not experts in parenting, they try hard (and maybe learn about parenting through reading or classes) and their child turns out fine. You can call this ‘natural intuitive parenting’. Parents then pat themselves on the back and say ‘I’m a great parent’.
In contrast, the parent of a child with ADHD can do the exact same things – and a lot more – but they just don’t work. Instead of them being able to pat themselves on the back, everybody is trying to tell them how to parent their child because their child just doesn’t seem to listen. This leads to a lot of parenting frustration, and it makes it harder for the parents.

To compound the issue, often times the doctors and therapists involved in making recommendations for ADHD treatment suggest that the parents go for therapy, and the kid or teen doesn’t have to. This makes the issue worse, when the parent feels that he or she is being blamed by the doctor!

The reality is that even though parents may not be the cause of ADHD, you can be part of the solution. Research has shown that when parents use specific strategies designed to help with ADHD, this can improve their effectiveness as parents. This is often called ‘Parent Management Training’.

It’s important for parents of kids with ADD or ADHD to remember – you are not the cause of the ADD or ADHD, but you are part of the solution. Get the support and help you need, and keep trying all that you can. You know that your child is worth it!

A Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) is a legal action that terminates all of a parents rights to make decisions for a child or to care for that child.

A Termination of Parental Rights may be voluntary or involuntary. All too often parents are pressured into relinquishing their rights based on allegations of abuse, neglect or abandonment. The consequences are significant and long lasting. A parent should never enter into such proceedings unrepresented. The result is often final.

Under Minnesota Statutes, a juvenile court may, upon petition, terminate ALL rights of a parent to a child. It may do so:



with the written consent of a parent who for good cause desires to terminate parental rights (Note: wishing to avoid a child support obligation is not “good cause);

if it finds that one or more of the following conditions exist:



that the parent has abandoned the child;

that the parent has substantially, continuously, or repeatedly refused or neglected to comply with the duties imposed upon that parent by the parent and child relationship, including but not limited to providing the child with necessary food, clothing, shelter, education, and other care and control necessary for the child’s physical, mental, or emotional health and development, if the parent is physically and financially able, and either reasonable efforts by the social services agency have failed to correct the conditions that formed the basis of the petition or reasonable efforts would be futile and therefore unreasonable;

that a parent has been ordered to contribute to the support of the child or financially aid in the child’s birth and has continuously failed to do so without good cause. This clause shall not be construed to state a grounds for termination of parental rights of a noncustodial parent if that parent has not been ordered to or cannot financially contribute to the support of the child or aid in the child’s birth;

that a parent is palpably unfit to be a party to the parent and child relationship because of a consistent pattern of specific conduct before the child or of specific conditions directly relating to

the parent and child relationship either of which are determined by the court to be of a duration or nature that renders the parent unable, for the reasonably foreseeable future, to care appropriately for the ongoing physical, mental, or emotional needs of the child. It is presumed that a parent is palpably unfit to be a party to the parent and child relationship upon a showing that the parent’s parental rights to one or more other children were involuntarily terminated or that the parent’s custodial rights to another child have been involuntarily transferred to a relative under section 260C.201, Subd 11, paragraph (e), clause (1), or a similar law of another jurisdiction;

that following the child’s placement out of the home, reasonable efforts, under the direction of the court, have failed to correct the conditions leading to the child’s placement. It is presumed that reasonable efforts under this clause have failed upon a showing that:



(i) a child has resided out of the parental home under court order for a cumulative period of 12 months within the preceding 22 months. In the case of a child under age eight at the time the petition was filed alleging the child to be in need of protection or services, the presumption arises when the child has resided out of the parental home under court order for six months unless the parent has maintained regular contact with the child and the parent is complying with the out-of-home placement plan;

the court has approved the out-of-home placement plan required under section 260C.212 and filed with the court under section 260C.178;

conditions leading to the out-of-home placement have not been corrected. It is presumed that conditions leading to a child’s out-of-home placement have not been corrected upon a showing that the parent or parents have not substantially complied with the court’s orders and a reasonable case plan; and

reasonable efforts have been made by the social services agency to rehabilitate the

parent and reunite the family It should be noted that that parental right may be terminated prior to one year, or in the case of a child under age eight, prior to six months after a child has been placed out of the home.

It is also presumed that reasonable efforts have failed under this clause upon a showing that:


the parent has been diagnosed as chemically dependent by a professional certified to make the diagnosis;

the parent has been required by a case plan to participate in a chemical dependency treatment program;

the treatment programs offered to the parent were culturally, linguistically, and clinically appropriate;

the parent has either failed two or more times to successfully complete a treatment program or has refused at two or more separate meetings with a caseworker to participate in a treatment program; and

the parent continues to abuse chemicals.









that a child has experienced egregious harm in the parent’s care which is of a nature, duration, or chronicity that indicates a lack of regard for the child’s well-being, such that a reasonable person would believe it contrary to the best interest of the child or of any child to being in the parent’s care;

that in the case of a child born to a mother who was not married to the child’s father when the child was conceived nor when the child was born the person is not entitled to notice of an adoption hearing under section 259.49 and the person has not registered with the fathers’ adoption registry under section 259.52;

that the child is neglected and in foster care; or

that the parent has been convicted of a crime listed in section 260.012, paragraph b,

clauses (1) to (3).



In an action involving an American Indian child, sections 260.751 to 260.835 and the Indian Child Welfare Act, United States Code, title 25, sections 1901 to 1923, control to the extent that the provisions of this section are inconsistent with those laws.





A termination of parental rights requires a high standard of proof and must be proven by clear and convincing evidence. Any person with knowledge of the circumstances may seek to terminate parental rights. The end result of a termination is that the all rights of the parent may be terminated but it does not extinguish that parents responsibility to pay any past balance for child support.

“There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots; the other, wings.” – Hodding Carter

All parents want their children to develop into well adjusted adults, respected as much for the integrity of their character as for their professional skills. This doesn’t just happen overnight. It takes years of patient guidance, consistent discipline and above all, an abundance of love that is tangible to the child even during the worst periods in their growing up – and believe me, there will be many of those, before you can sit back and say with relief, “My work is done”.

Many people equate an abundance of love with spoiling their child. I think that perhaps they have not understood what the term LOVE means, especially as it relates to a child. Let us start with what it is not:

1) Love is not over-indulging your child, giving in to every whim of his/hers because you feel guilty, tired, afraid you would lose your temper or scared that your kid may not love you.

2) Love is not harshly disciplining your children for every little broken rule in the mistaken belief that you are doing it for their good and if you don’t punish them often and hard, a life of turmoil and misery beckons.

3) Love is not protecting your kids from the natural heart aches that come with growing up – whether it is a friend’s betrayal, loss of a pet or loved one, not getting something deeply longed for.
4) Love is not using emotional blackmail at any time or for any reason in order to control them and get them to do what you want them to do.

Love that is most beneficial to children is one that focuses on them and accepts them for the unique individuals that they are. To be a truly loving parent, we need to learn to be a bit dispassionate about our kids. Even the most well meaning of parents tend to forget this. Unbiased love for your children helps you to focus on the child, rather than the fact that he/she belongs to you. You then learn to accept the possibilities and limitations of each of your children and to marvel at their individual potential. If there are no pre-conceived expectations, there is less pressure on the child and there are no feelings of disappointment in the parent. When children sense that they are not being measured against their siblings or friends, their confidence grows, there are less disciplinary issues and above all, they feel valued for themselves. Learning to love our kids this way is one of the hardest lessons in parenting; it being so natural to think in terms of “My Children” with the emphasis on “My” rather than on “Children”.

Good parenting is a skill honed through trial and error. Most parents are so concerned about being good parents that they tend to over compensate for their perceived inadequacies. They tend to overlook the fact that most kids prefer laughter, a home filled with warmth and understanding and parents whom they can trust and turn to in times of trouble rather than being inundated with designer clothes, shoes and toys. How often do we hear the complaint that kids now-a-days are too obsessed with material things. Perhaps it is time we, as parents, ask ourselves how much we have contributed to our children’s obsessions. A lot of people seem to have lost faith in their ability to be good parents, mistakenly thinking that they should always be infallible. What we must never lose sight of is that for the most part, we do get it right and that our love for our children will guide our parental instincts. Problems arise only when we do not learn from our mistakes. Children seem to have an infinite capacity to forgive their parents if they know or feel that their mothers and/or fathers are trying to do their very best for them.

Parents are only human – a fact that is often ignored by our kids and even more so, by ourselves. It is alright to get angry or depressed, irritated or to just want some time to yourself. What is not alright is to let these feelings affect your behaviour towards your children. How you handle your emotions is a good indicator of how your kids will manage theirs when they grow up. Rather than pretend that everything is fine, it would be better if you explained to your kids that you are upset about something and that you need sometime to work through the problem. Not only will the children be relieved that they are not the reason for your turmoil, they will probably try hard not to upset you further. Explaining the rationale for your actions to your children in terms they can understand teaches them empathy, alleviates their concerns that they are the cause of your distress and shows them how negative emotions should be handled.

Most parents have a hard time trying to decide whether or not they should shield their young children from the harsh facts of life. War, famine, death – these are constantly in the news. Closer to home it might be the prolonged illness or death of a close relative, friend, or even a pet, the break up of a close friendship, divorce, losing a job or home. There is no guarantee that life will always be smooth sailing and the sooner children are taught to face such situations with equanimity, the more resilient they will be when, as adults, they have their own misfortunes to face.

Parenting can be stressful, it is often under valued and unglamorous yet it can be and very often is uplifting and provides some of our most precious memories. If we remember to relax and enjoy our kids, love them for who they are, try to inculcate a strong personal value system from a very early age, revel in their accomplishments and be a constant source of support for them, we can be sure of doing a pretty good job. There is, of course, the added bonus of our own self improvement as we try to be more like the person we want our children to emulate.

So you are a new parent? Congratulations! Welcoming a new child into a family is an exciting, thrilling time. It can be scary, too, of course. And rightly so. No where else in life will you experience the rollercoaster of life more than in the game of parenting. I know because I have four children and have been parenting for more than two decades. What words of wisdom for new parents can I offer you? Well, if I was to start all over with my kids, I’d want to know that there is an art and a science to the skill of raising a child.

The Art of Parenting.

This is the heart of your parenting. You love your child. You want the very best for him. You envision years of happy times together. This is all good! The feelings and desires you have for your family will motivate you when times get tough. And you can be certain, times will get tough. It’s simply the nature of the beast.

You can establish strong heart bonds with your child by intentionally cultivating the relationship with her. Starting as a baby, spend time with your little one. As one who has been there, done that, I can assure you there is no substitute for time spent with your child.

Get to know this new human. Figure out her personality, her quirks, her talents, her frustrations. This will do several things for both of you as your child grows.

* Allow you to be the person she trusts. Your tender knowledge of her will prove your trustworthiness to her time and time again. She will know you are the person she can come to, anytime, with anything. This will be invaluable all through her young life, and especially as she travels through the teen years.

* Give you knowledge that will help you guide her through the pitfalls she must traverse. Instead of wringing your hands and worrying, you will be in a much better position to take positive action as necessary. Remember, you cannot control your child, but you do have tremendous influence over her as her parent.

* Cause you to deepen your love for your child. Whenever you deepen a relationship, the result is a tighter bond. Yes, I’ll admit this is why you will hurt at times over your child. But deepening your love for your family is what will enable you to make the necessary sacrifices to care for them in the ways they will need.
No one said parenting is easy. But it can be extremely rewarding.

The Science of Parenting.

This is the head or thinking side of your parenting. This is where you apply all the skills you use in other areas of your life to improve yourself as a parent.

For example, you probably had some sort of education to be trained in your current job or career. Perhaps it took you years to learn your career skills. Perhaps it was simply a matter of on-the-job training. Whatever it was, you knew there was a learning curve involved. You may have continuing education requirements for your career, as well.

Thoughtful wisdom in parenting dictates there is also a learning curve. This is definitely an on-the-job type of training, but you needn’t feel overwhelmed. Parenting is the most popular career field on the planet. There is no shortage of books, seminars, classes, and mentors available to you concerning this topic.

Like any career, you’ll need to do a little research to determine which voices to listen to. I recommend making a list of all the parents you know who are raising their children in ways in which you respect. These are the voices to begin to listen to.

Be flexible in your parenting. What works in one season of your family’s life may not work as well in another. And what works beautifully with one child may fail miserably with another child. As you maneuver through the science of parenting, let your heart (art) be your guide. I am a firm believer that no one knows a child the way that child’s parent does. As you listen to other parents and learn through parenting resources, listen with your heart. Will this material work in my family? Could I adapt it to work more specifically for my family’s situation? Feel free to try parenting ideas and make adjustments over time. Very few ideas will work the first time, but many ideas will be invaluable over the long haul.

The last bit of wisdom for new parents I’d like to offer is this: give yourself a break. If you are loving your child and working to learn what you can about the parenting game, you are probably doing a wonderful job. Kids are flexible and can stand up to most of our mistakes. Have a humble and grateful heart and be determined to do whatever you need to do as a parent and you’ll do great.

There is no denying that homosexual parenthood is now a valid personal choice. Along with the increasing acceptance for homosexuality comes the increasing acceptance for homosexual parenthood. It cannot be denied however that homosexual parenthood still has a tremendous share of challenges. Homosexual parents may be in need of a good parenting article to help them through. The fact is, the practical parenting article for homosexual parents is not that easy to come across. This is because the common parenting article for same sex parents may involve in varying degrees a history of homosexuality, current views on homosexuality and experiential accounts. What is a parenting article for homosexual parents trying to tell us?

While a good parenting article should include some practical tips, a parenting article for homosexual parents should also include a lot of other things. This is because a parenting article for homosexual parents should also show the reality of how homosexuality is accepted in today’s society. Yes, your parenting article may tell you that many people are now accepting homosexuality and same sex parenthood as a valid way of life. On the other hand each and every parenting article for homosexual parents also tells you that homosexuality is still very much a controversial issue.

Your typical parenting article will tell you for example that among some higher ranking government officials, the concept of same sex marriage and parenthood is still not accepted. Your parenting article will also tell you that many other religious institutions, social groups and individuals merely diplomatically couch their words of disagreement and criticism. You will also be told that bullying in schools of children of same sex parents is still very much a reality. Why do homosexual parents need to know about all this?
A parenting article for homosexual parents should be able to inform parents of the present truths about homosexuality and how children of homosexual parents are actually treated. Such knowledge can better prepare homosexual parents for the unique challenges of homosexual parenthood. How can kids for example be taught confidence if they are derided in school? How can you expect your child to accept and understand your chosen way of life if his outside social environment is telling him not to?

A good parenting article therefore for homosexual parents should look into realities first before anything else to educate same sex parents. On a more positive light, a parenting article may also show the actual optimistic truths about homosexual parenthood. Reading in a parenting article about the good aspects of homosexual parenthood is both encouraging for homosexual parents and a way for them to educate their children about their family situation.

It is for example positively enlightening to know that according to studies, same sex parents are also capable of rearing healthy, normal and socially functional children. Many children of homosexuals are also able to develop meaningful relationships with people around them. Articles for homosexual parents should therefore invariably educate and encourage. Parenting articles for homosexual parents show the uncolored truth about homosexual parenthood, with all its parental joys and challenges.

ATTACHMENT PARENTING:  PARENTING IN A DETACHED SOCIETY

By Stephanie Lehane  (January 2009)

There is a modern-day debate surrounding a centuries old practice that has been coined “attachment parenting”.  To first understand the controversy, one must define the term attachment parenting.  Attachment parenting is a way of child-rearing that serves as a guideline, rather than a rulebook, for parents to better understand the non-verbal communication they receive from their infants, babies, and children.   At odds with this concept is the parenting style popularized at the beginning of the twentieth century and passed down for several generations since. 

The three main modalities of attachment parenting as they relate to infants and babies are  breastfeeding, babywearing, and co-sleeping.  It seems the mere mention of any or all of these invites a plethora of advice and opinion.   In the face of all of the scientific data pointing toward breastfeeding as the best form of nutrition for babies, women of previous generations will often advise that new mothers bottle-feed.  This same troupe of well-intended matriarchs often tends to rally behind the concept that a baby, even an infant, can be spoiled.   And of course nursing mothers who opt to co-sleep with their infants receive dire warnings of increased risk for SIDS and children who will be in high school still climbing into bed with mom and dad.  Yet, for centuries, mothers out of instinct and necessity carried, cuddled, breastfed, and co-slept with their babies.  It wasn’t until the advent of modern medicine and the advancements of science that mothers began to question their innate sensibilities in favor of advice from professionals, typically men, who would tell them that there is a new and improved way to raise a healthy baby. 

THE CONTROVERSY

Breastfeeding

All mammals nurse their young.  So why is this form of feeding and nurturing human babies controversial and how and when did it come under attack?  To be sure, breastfeeding mothers have an easier time avoiding stares and unsolicited advice when they choose to feed their babies in public today than they did a decade ago.  But some stigma still exists as a throwback to a more puritan, sterile era where doctors and formula companies alike, worked to convince society that not only was formula a better choice for babies, bottle-feeding was a more modest option for women.  The first commercial baby formula was invented in 1860 by Henri Nestle in Switzerland and became popularized during the Industrial Revolution when women were leaving the home to work in factories.  Bottle feeding reached its height in popularity during World War II with only 20-30% of women in the U.S. breastfeeding at all.   Many women still choose to bottle feed their babies today as it is seen as a more convenient method, in spite of the American Academy of Pediatrics’ current recommendation to exclusively breastfeed infants for six months and continue to nurse through age one.  However, breastfeeding is gaining in popularity during the Information Age where modern parents are growing confident in its overwhelming benefits for both baby and mother.  According to renowned pediatrician and father of eight, Dr. William Sears, not only is breast milk a sound nutritional choice, but the act of breastfeeding itself encourages the bond between mother and child.  In order to become successful at breastfeeding, mothers must be able to interpret baby’s cues and trust in their own instincts.  Mothers become child-centered and focus on their babies’ needs and how to meet them.  Likewise, baby is able to tap into and interpret her mother’s social signals and trust that her needs will be met.  A symbiotic relationship develops wherein both parties to the breastfeeding partnership must ebb and flow together.  Breastfeeding is often viewed as the first and most important aspect of attachment parenting.

Babywearing
Babywearing in all its various forms dates back to the origins of recorded history.  Anthropologists have uncovered ancient etchings depicting women carrying their babies wrapped in cloth as they worked, walked, and cared for older children.  Across cultural lines, many methods of wearing babies exists and a recently there has been a resurgence in popularity in the developed world.  However, around the same time as breastfeeding began to decline, so did the art and practice of babywearing, particularly in the West, and for the same reasons.  Mothers began to listen to the advice of their doctors who explained that holding and carrying their babies too much would lead to spoiled babies.  All sorts of inventions and devices, such as strollers and playpens, began to emerge as places for women to put their babies so as not to spoil them.  It took only a couple of generations to figure out that the opposite is actually true.  Babies who don’t receive enough tactile stimulation from being held are less organized, cry more, and in extreme cases experience “failure to thrive” which means they do not grow and develop as they should.  Recently, a Motrin ad was pulled because of the backlash from a new generation of babywearing moms and dads offended at the ads suggestion that babywearing is a new fad, something done to be seen as trendy and fashionable.  These parents opine that carrying baby close to them is not only convenient, but is a wonderfully fulfilling way to build a bond with their baby.  There are several different styles of babywearing devices such as slings, pouches, wraps and carriers and in some areas parents can find consultants to help them decide which style is best for them and their lifestyle. 

Co-sleeping

This is perhaps the most controversial of all of the different areas of attachment parenting.  Certainly, it may seem odd to western parents used to the concept of creating a separate nursery for baby, complete with crib, changing table, dresser, and rocking chair.  Historically, co-sleeping, or the practice whereby infants, babies, and/or children sleep in the same bed with their parents, has been a common practice worldwide.  Since the nineteenth century, this practice has decreased in popularity in North America, Europe, and Australia as separate sleeping arrangements became affordable and desirable.  Among the reasons opponents of co-sleeping cite in favor of separate sleeping arrangements are the possibility that a parent could roll over and inadvertently crush or suffocate her baby, increased risk of SIDS, and the inability of older babies and children to become independent and sleep alone.  However, recent research has shown significant benefits to babies and parents who co-sleep.  Studies have shown that co-sleeping may actually reduce the risk of SIDS due to the baby mirroring his mothers breathing and sleep-cycle patterns.  This is because a major factor in SIDS deaths may be the inability of babies to regulate their breathing, thereby actually “forgetting” to breathe.  Additionally, babies in the family bed experience shorter and fewer deep-sleep states.  This is important because prolonged states of deep sleep, such as occur after long bouts of crying or sleeping alone, are potentially another major cause of SIDS.  (Note:  co-sleeping is not recommended when parents smoke, use drugs or alcohol, or are obese).   But the number one benefit proponents of co-sleeping cite is more sleep for all.   The family bed may be particularly convenient for breastfeeding mothers who can easily resume nursing until both mother and child drift peacefully back to sleep.  These mothers point out that there is no awakening to the piercing cries of a hungry baby, frightened and alone, adrenaline pumping for all as bottles are warmed and parents attempt to stay awake to feed him, only to have him re-awaken when returned to a cold crib sheet.

So it seems that modern parents are beginning to embrace the wisdom of ancient times.  As tightly-knit communities wane in favor of loosely-knit networks, individuals are more connected and yet more alone.  The paradox of today’s society is that it is both easier and more difficult than ever to be a successful parent.  There is more information available to parents than at any time in history.  Yet, information comes at a price:  if not careful, it can take the place of instinct.  In the end, the best approach for parents is to read, research, and understand available parenting methods and then trust themselves and their babies to do what is best.

Ref.  Baby Matters, Dr. Linda Palmer

         Askdrsears.com, Dr. William Sears

         Breastfeeding in a Bottle Feeding Culture, Tina Rychlik

         Wikipedia

Many parents may not be aware of what it takes to be an intentional parent. Of course, parenting is an ongoing process that teaches parents new things each day and leaves much more that needs to be learnt before they become a good parent. With their busy schedules, it is hard enough for them to be a good parent and intentional parenting may seem quite daunting and unattainable at first.

Not Necessarily Perfect Parenting

Intentional parenting may not be perfect parenting; instead, it refers to a parent that has mentally determined that some action or result related to parenting need to be performed. In other words, the intentional parent is an “on purpose” parent. Parents often tend to react to their children rather than have a plan that they have prepared in advance. This is a tendency that parents readily acknowledge, but do little about.

Some reasons that contribute to intentional parenting being difficult to achieve are vision, know-how and accountability. Furthermore, the biggest obstacle to intentional parenting begins in the mind – there may not be enough time for contemplating what hangs in the balance. In other words, parents often fail to realize what can be gained and what is lost if they do not invest in their children through intentional parenting.
Lack of know-how is another challenge facing parents. Parents will often be at a loss to visualize what intentional parenting looks and feels like, and what it all about is. This means that parents’ lack a plan of action and it can be compared to driving in a foreign country without a map for guidance. To get over this shortcoming, parents need to read, research, and utilize resources to get started on the road to intentional parenting. It may even necessitate changing their strategy and approach towards the child.

After developing the vision and plan of action, there is still the task of implementing the intentional parenting concept. Being accountable is a good first step in this direction because when the parent deviates from the path of intentional parenting and may be slipping, accountability will enable the parent to get back on course and escape the mistake of falling out of habit.

With all these well meaning thoughts and ideas in place, it only remains to act with energy and time which, for busy parents, seems to be always in short supply. Nevertheless, with courage one can become a good parent. Every parent should be able to muster up enough courage and take the intentional parenting path, to achieve betterment of both child and parent.

 

“As parents, what’s really our role?”

I asked a group of parents during my lecture on family and emotional intelligence. Each one had an opinion about children and parenting.

“Feed them,” said one. “Clothe them,” said another. Soon, others shared their ideas.

“Love them.”

“Provide a comfortable home.”

“Discipline them.”

“Give them toys.”

“Great!” I said. “But why do you have to feed them, love them, shelter them, discipline them, and clothe them?” Then I paused and gave them some time to think.

“For what?”

Most parents knew the answer but nobody could articulate their thoughts. A long silence followed my question and that was the most deafening silence I experienced in a while. As I glanced at the audience, everyone avoided eye contact and distressed about the possibility of being called.

I love to pose this question. As you know, parents and children have different roles. On one hand, parents have the primary obligation to provide a safe, loving, and motivating environment. On the other hand, children are tasked to learn as much as possible from their parents. Unfortunately in some families, parents and children switch roles, that is, some parents act like children, and vice versa.

“Why?” I threw the question again hoping that someone would have the courage to share ideas.

After a long, uncomfortable pause, a woman in her thirties responded, “Because we want them to do the same thing to their own children.” A man in red shirt followed, “Because that’s the right thing to do.” A young parent in her twenties said, “So they can become successful.”
No question, all parents are right. But parenting is not just about leaving a legacy or doing the right thing or showering love and comfort. Sure, it’s great to do all these. But if we only focus on them, we’re missing an important point.

Our role as parents is to raise our kids so they can expand their positive influence.

In essence, we should provide the necessary environment so they can appreciate and nurture what they have, and love who they are. Our goal is to let them share their strengths to make this world a better place for others.

Indeed, our purpose is to establish the right atmosphere so they can make a difference and find their rightful place in this wonderful creation.

Perhaps you’ll question my premise and declare it as simply ramblings of a shrink. But let me ask you these:

What’s the use of having a comfortable home when kids can’t appreciate what they have, when they complain and whine as often as they blink?

What’s the use of giving them expensive toys when they can’t even lift a finger to wash the dishes and are too bored to use and share their talents and skills?

What’s the use of giving them unconditional love when they don’t share their love to others?

Parenting is a special mission, not just a chore. It is a noble undertaking, not just a mindless task. It is the only calling that consistently develops future teachers, builders, creators, innovators, discoverers, healers, caretakers, artists, ministers, and many more.

Parenting is like gardening. Like any dedicated gardeners, we ensure that plants bloom in summer and withstand the harsh winter. For plants to thrive, they need our frequent attention and focus, and require adequate supply of fertilizer, sunshine, and water. Moreover, they need protection from sneaky weeds that leisurely devour the nutrients necessary for their growth.

The Holy Creator gave us this awesome responsibility to nurture a child for His own purpose. It’s an honor to have a task of this magnitude. We’re in this earth temporarily so we should be serious about fulfilling this splendid role.

As Kahlil Gibran, a renowned philosopher, said, “Your children are not your children. . . They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. . .You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth . . .”

Yes, our children are not ours. They are God’s children with a special mission called Operation: Progress Earth. As parents, our solemn duty is to help them accomplish their divine assignment.

Prodigies are born, not made! Parents of prodigies have a very demanding role to play if their prodigious off springs are to make it big in life. Children who make dramatic entries disappear fast, as parents do precious little to handle their greatness. Pressure to perform and perform consistently, high expectations of an overambitious society can mar the greatness of the prodigies. They need to keep their feet firmly grounded. This article aims at analysing the role of parents from identifying prodigies to guiding their brilliant children towards higher achievements. This article elicits a select set of prodigies particularly from India to analyse the role of their parents in grooming them.

 Introduction

A child, usually lesser than 10 who shows the ability to perform at very high levels in the mode of a well trained adult in a field deemed extremely difficult and under very demanding circumstances is considered to be a prodigy. Prodigies are generally spotted in well structured disciplines that extract superior mental abilities like music and mathematics.

But that could also be the conventional view of identifying child prodigies. Nowadays, even in fields hitherto unheard of, we can identify them as in the field of sports – where the criterion or the definition for ascertaining a prodigy is not necessarily by age (within 10 years) but by performance that include the level and the opposition at a relatively young age. 

Somehow researchers have never been interested in a study of the prodigies. Dr Feldman and his colleagues attempted one in 1991, but not with much success. All that they could find was that child prodigies are more likely to belong to fields with concrete and established  rules such as music, math and  chess. Creative arts like painting, writing are comparatively rare perhaps because they demand greater experience.  There are however a few exceptions.

Alissa Quart deemed a prodigy herself, claims that prodigies are predictable in quantitative fields while in qualitative ones hey are not just hard to come by but are even difficult to assess if they are prodigies or merely gifted children.  Converse to accepted view, a child wih outstandingly high IQ cannot be automatically regarded a prodigy, while it is equally true that not all prodigies are endowed with a high IQ, because they seldom fare well in a standardized set of learning.

Sports prodigies are judged by a completely different parameter. A certain physical growth is required to show abilities and flair for the sport. This means we may not see prodigies under 10 years, but perhaps about 15 years. Most prodigies are identified in their early teens.

Role of parents in the success of a child prodigy

Research on the brain functioning of a prodigy reveals that not only are they amazing but very different as well in comparison to normal children.  It is still not clear whether it is in their nature or is it that they are nurtured to carry out such astonishing feats.

Much of course depends on the parents. It is quite necessity that parents create an environment conducive to honing their talent. The environment stimulates the child’s overwhelming potential. Very often, the child’s field of interest would be the same as that of at least one of the parents. Facts from the past vindicate this point. Picasso’s father was a painter; Mozart’s father was a renowned musician and so on. But Psychologists claim that there is no compulsion to this rule.  There are children with immense potential in a field completely different from those of the parents. Shakuntala Devi, the mathematical genius’s father was employed as a human cannon-ball in a circus company in Bangalore while her mother was a very shy homemeaker.

Irrespective of the child’s field of interest, the parents ought to stimulate the child’s fascination for the subject. There is a thin line that demarcates stimulation or motivation and pressurizing. When parents push the child for more, rather than allow the child to decide its limits, then motivation turns out to be stressful. This is an area that parents have to be cautious. Ainan Cawley, is born to a British father and Singaporean mother. He is a chemistry prodigy, who has taken an Ó’level in chemistry at the age of 6.At seven, his parents were pushing him for a University degree and were actually looking for sponsors. This would make him appear  a puppet in their hands and not the scientific genius that he ought to be. Ainan’s father, Valentine, refuses to allow his son’s abilities to stagnate.  “Imagine you are the strongest man in the world and someone says to you, try lifting something small like a banana. It’s like asking him to deny his true nature. Well, it’s the same with a child prodigy.”

If pressurizing the child to perform is one grave error, stipulating the child to meet their expectations is ever more precarious. Most American child prodigies vanish into thin air after a brief virtuoso in their respective fields. Itzhak Perlman a violin genius blamed it on all parents who have a self designed agenda for their children. He claims that some parents’ schema is suspect, as they want to achieve fame through their child.

Americans, in particular never seem to know to handle prodigies. The American society always demands perfection. Driven by these wrought beliefs, the parents of prodigies expect their child to behave well in public, dress up smart and generally present themselves in a manner that would conform to the part of the world they belong. Non conformists are generally pronounced a misfit however brilliant they are otherwise. Here is a classic example :

Alissa Quart claims that  “the over-cultivated can develop self-esteem problems and performance anxiety.” She cites, Brandenn  Bremmer as a living or perhaps a dead example of how societal and therefore parental demands of conformity can ruin a prodigy. Bremmer  entered college at an incredible age of just10.  Four years later, in 2005, he shot himself in the head. He had told Quart in an interview: “America is a society that demands perfection.”[4]

Jennifer Capriati is another case of withered prodigy. She became the youngest Wimbledon semi-finalist in 1991 at a tender age of 15. She followed it up with the coveted Olympic gold the next year. Just two later, in 1994 she was caught for possessing a prohibited drug called marijuana. Her attempt to revive her tennis passion after a short rehabilitation was amply rewarded when she became world No 1 in WTA rankings, but is plagued with a spate of injuries and has since disappeared from the scene.

The independent and flamboyant lifestyle of hers is said to be responsible for these activities. The Great American independent culture, imprisoning parents to question their child’s ways disabled the Tennis star’s home front reining her in. Hers is perhaps one of those that have surfaced. Several American genius dissolve into thin air through these juvenile distractions. Particularly when parents exercise no control over them.

Eccentricity comes hand in hand with prodigies. Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein are two remowned luminaries who worked themselves into distinguishable scientists par excellence and indifferent personalities. What is astonishing about them is that no one cared to take a second glance at them in their formative days. That Einstein was a school dropout is well known. This certainly adds to the already pressurized parents. The need to conform or belong rides heavily on them until they prove that they have traversed beyond these simple fastidiousness. But then not everyone can be an Einstein.

It is not really fortunate that we live in a world which produces amazing children to overriding ambitious parents, if the prenatal womb bound foetus enrichment products like BabyPlus Womb Songs and the high-concept teaching devices like Baby Einstein DVDs are any indication. Parents are anxious to help  their children  remain competitive. Such measures backfire as the child ‘s inherent limitations are summoned to respond.  “Designating children as gifted, especially extremely gifted, and cultivating that giftedness may be not only a waste of money, but positively harmful,” Alissa adds.

However, it is quite heartening to note that Indian parents in general have shown equanimity is guiding prodigies. S. Chandra Sekhar, strove   all by himself without any unnecessary push from his parents to emerge as  the youngest to pass the Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer tests at age 10 in the year  2000 is a case in point.  In 2003, he is believed to have joined an elite group of scientists to work on the hacker-proof security systems for India’s major computer networks.

Apart from Chandra Sekhar, there have been many prodigies who have made it remarkable big. The culture and the family systems lend themselves to guiding children along to realize their full potential at the right time and not prematurely blossom to wither away into obscurity. Of course there has been a lot of pressure on the parents to ensure off spring success. Particularly with nuclear family and both parents working, the pressure is really high. Going by the success rate of prodigies in India, it can be assured that parenting in India continues to retain the glories of the age old tradition. Given below is a short list of prodigious children who have made it big, and have attributed their success to their parents.

Shakuntala Devi

Shakuntala Devi, Mathematical prodigy since the pre independence era, exhibited her penchant for number calculations when she was just 3. She used to play card tricks regularly with ther father who worked as a human canon ball in a circus company. Her versatile abilities at numerical calculations got recognized when she demonstrated them in the University of Mysore at the age of 6 and Annnamalai Univsrsity at the age of 8. Unlike other mathematical genius like Truman Henry Safford who lost their calculating felicities during adulthood, she retains her skill even at the age of 60 in 1977 when she extracted the 23rd root of a 201 digit number faster than a computer/ calculator. This is easily the most amazing feat of any genius in any field. In  June 1980, she  multiplied a 13 digit number by another 13 digit number in 28 seconds. The Computer Department of Imperial College London, had earlier made a random selection of the digits in these numbers.  The multiplication problem of a 26 digit number  in just 28 seconds engraved  her name in the  Guinness Book of World Records in 1995.  Considering the time taken for dictating the number, that must have left even less time for the calculation, this is simply astounding. There is also an instance when she had proved the machine wrong.

But much of these were achieved not just because she was a prodigy. She was born in a well-known orthodox family of Brahmin priests in Bangalore. Her grandfather gave her early lessons in mathematics. The extended family set up  in which she lived in her formative years, channeled the young whiz kid’s natural felicity with numbers. She was identified as a child prodigy when she was just 5. Since then her parents , especially her father, ensured that she was not over exposed, her education in the normal sense of the term was given top priority. Today she has grown up to be  renowned writer, speaker holding  a doctoral degree from the University of Rajasthan. The fact that she was able to balance fame and her personal life is ample testimony to the fact her parents stood firmly rooted on the ground, never attempted to attain artificial fame either for her or for their own selves.  Genius from the age of three, a soul stirring speaker, a fine writer, a living marvel, an internationally celebrated mathematician – SHAKUNTALA DEVI, an inspirational role model for the youth.

Mandolin Srinivas.

“Some of you have heard or read about exceptionally gifted children, our own Mandolin Shrinivas, Sir Yehudi Menuhin, Beethoven, Sir Isaac Newton, Picasso, Madam Curie, the list is endless” That is where he belongs…

At the tender age of six U. Srinivas picked up his father Satyanarayana’s mandolin. It is normal for the father to gently chide his son, quietly remove the expensive, rare instrument from his hands and in the process safe guarded both the instrument and the boy. The world would have lost the prodigy then and there.

Sathnarayana was not to be the commonplace, unexciting father. Upon recognizing the flair for music in general and the instrument in particular in his son, his father became his first Guru. He began in a very humble fashion and started teaching him the basics of whatever Carnatic music he knew. But Srinivas thirsted for more. The genius in him craved higher forms and he is supposed to have reproduced whatever was just spoken. Thgis prompted the father to rethink on tutoruing young Srinivas. He met his guru, Rudraraju Subbaraju, who realized the potential of U. Srinivas and began his classes with him. Rudraraju Subbaraju was an expert singer but had no clue of the instrument. So he would sing and Srinivas would reproduce the music in the instrument. 

Mandolin was Srinivas’ first love. As a child he had never tired of playing on the instrument. His father was quick to realize his potential and recognized the prodigy in him. He devoted his efforts and energy in giving all possible support to nourish his talent. That he hailed form a not so well to do family did not deter either the father or the son from enhancing hid latent skills. Srinivas first shot into the limelight in Gudivada a little known village in Krishna district of Andhra Pradesh, during the Sri Thyagaraja Aradhana festival. He was just around nine years young. This took the entire Carnatic world by storm. His father would not just accompany him to the concerts but would actually be on the Tampura a stringed instrument essential to set and maintain the pitch.

When his recognition spread far and wide, he shifted bases to Chennai and his parents moved along. His father turned out to be his manager as well initially managing his engagements and concert schedules. He saw to it that the young genius is neither over loaded not over stressed. He spaced out his concerts in such a way that he got his fare share in terms of number of concerts at the same time enough gap between each of them for  a well deserved rest.

His connections wtith the Western Classical musicians speak volumes about his undersanding of music in general. He has given several joint concerts with the greatest of them too. 

Laurels, accolades and awards followed him wherever he went. But he remained unfazed by the newly earned riches or encomiums. Despite his active schedule, that included several foreign trips, he continued to learn and enhance his knowledge of music. This also meant that he had no time for formal education. His father was there to ensure that his son had at least minimal education, principally through private coaching.

The public adulation for the charming urbane smiling little boy continues till today, as a young man and would continue in the future too. So much for his popularly that it was generally felt if music is God’s greatest gift to human kind, then U.Srinivas is God’s choicest gift to world music

SachinTendulkar
 ”Sachin Tendulkar is an important person of our country. He is our country’s wealth and we will protect him,” said Mumbai’s Commissioner of Police, MN Singh following kidnap threats he received from militant groups. This was the level of adulation he receives from every Indian.

One of the very few genius to transform ‘’stones thrown at them into milestones, Sachin Tendulkar is prodigy par excellence. One of the greatest batsmen of all times, he holds as many as 75 records in cricket. This in itself is a record, as no other sports legend holds as many.

Is Sachin a one day wonder? Yes and no. He is the world’s greatest one day batsman, but a genius of all time. That succinctly explains the equation. The following describes his entry into international cricket at a tender age of 16. A record straight away at that point in time – the youngest to make international debut in cricket.

He made his debut in the year 1989, in Pakistan. Sachin, under aged for a driving licence, nevertheless was facing the most dreaded bowlers of the times.  Pakistani crowds taunted the young lad, with  placards roaring “ Dudh Pita Bhachcha ..ghar jaake dhoodh pee”, (hey kid, go home and drink milk). But Sachin was undeterred. He  sent the leg spinner Mustaq Ahmed virtually absconding having  hit him for two sixes in one over. This demoralized mentor the legendary Abdul Qadir. All the same, walked in and  challenged Sachin ” Bachchon ko kyon mar rahe ho? Hamein bhi maar dikhao ` (`Why are you hitting kids? Try and hit me.`)

.

Sachin was silent, decided to let his bat reply. He obliged Quadir’s simple request by hitting  4 sixes in the over, humbling him for cover. making the spinner look the kid in the contest. The over read 6, 0, 4, 6 6 6, Sure, David destroyed Goliath … and a cricketing marvel was born.

 A short peep into  his boyhood days reveals much about his familial relationship. He was born into a middle class family and not with a silver spoon.

He becomes emotional while talking about his family. His own words  sums it all.

I won’t be where I am without the support of all my family members, my coach Ramakant Achrekar who used to drag me from my home to practice at nets and all my friends who have stood by me all these years”.Tendulkar said.

Sachin got his first bat, a wooden block that is used on those days for washing clothes from his Grandmother. And he still has that wooden thing as a remembrance. A total family man, he was groomed to be firmly grounded despite the name and fame he has achieved. His father Ramesh Tendulkar was a Marathi poet of renown.  Realising his son’s potential in the game he was willing to change the school Sachin was studying to enable him to get more practice and exposure to the game. This change was instrumental in the record of 664 runs which he made along with his friend and fellow India player Vinod Kambli. They were in class 9 then.

Cricket was and is a rich game. But most cricketers even during those times would have a back up to their source of income. But Sachin’s father was more than just willing to let his youngest son take to cricket as fish would to water. Never compelled him about the importance of academics or even complete his schooling. He was convinced that his son could make it big in the sport of his choice and passion. The father allowed that liberty to his son.

His major influence on Sachin is the importance on commitment to his work that he inculcated in the young mind. This was evident when in the 1999 World Cup in England, he returned within three days to resume work after his father’s sudden demise. That was the commitment to his profession his father taught him. He did not stop there. He came back and scored a century in the next match and dedicated it to his father.

The imprint of the father that we cannot miss  in Sachin Tendulkar is the humility even in the best of times. Never has anyone heard or seen Sachin brag about his abilities though he has proved them time and again. Honesty is Sachin’s watchword. He would never resort to unlawful means to move as much as an inch forward in his career. He would accept defeat with grace. In all these, we can notice the stamp of Ramesh Tendulkar.

Even today he is a supreme role model and an inspiration to many youngsters. A lesson about him is included in the high school English text book for the learners  to learn the art of achieving greatness by reinstating high moral and ethical values when sledging rules the roost in international cricket.

Mumbai’s most valuable son has left no cricketing stone untouched and touched nothing that he did not adorn. 

The recent prodigy:

Nine-year old girl M. Lavinashree, is youngest to become Microsoft Certified Professional unsettling the record held by a Pakistani girl . The wonder kid already holds a long list of records in her short life that includes the recitation of all the 1330 Thirukkural couplets. All these at the age of three when mort children would not have even learnt to speak fluently.

 It will be interesting watch this gifted genius grow full strength to achive greatness in her life. Of course much depends on her parents and their parenting ways. With the full glare of media attention and public curiosity, the parents indeed are in an unenviable position to guide her appropriately. They face the greatest challenge of their times so that the child grows to achieve immensely in her life.

Conclusion

Parenting plays a very crucial role in guiding child prodigies in the right direction. Not all prodigies tend to make the news, but do go about their lives maintaining a low profile, quietly and successfully without inviting attention. They are known better after their time as is the case of Ramanujam  or a Shelley. On the other hand, not all geniuses who make a dramatic entry in this world go on to become great. Much of their destiny is directed by the parents and their attitude, ambition and aspirations.

A great poet Thomas Gray, said

“Full many a gem of purest ray serene

            The dark unfathomed caves of the ocean bear

Full many a flower is born to blush unseen

            And waste its sweetness on the desert air”.

The world is scattered with a Shakuntala or a Srinivas or a Sachin or perhaps a hundred Lavinashrees. It is the prime duty of the parents not just to identify and reveal them to the world but steer them to accomplish the mission providence had sent them for.

Geniuses are born not made!

 References

 The Times November 10, 2007

 Alexandra Frean, Education Editor 10 June, 2002, UK

 Laura June, India Today, Dec 23rd 2008

THE HINDU, Sunday, May 3, 1992

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