Parenting in itself is a challenging task. Sometimes we can shift from one parenting tip to another and still have trouble with some aspects of parenting. Parenting becomes even more challenging when one is the parent of a gifted child. What kind of a parenting tip can a parent resort to in such a case? Sometimes raising a gifted child may also require a special parenting tip of some sort.

Recognize Giftedness

It’s true. Most parents want to believe that their kids are gifted in some way. While it may be true that different kids have different talents and intelligences, there are simply some kids who are way over the top. The foremost parenting tip is to recognize if your child is truly gifted. Attached to this parenting tip is the parenting tip on looking for the common signs. Your child may be gifted if he can finish work exceedingly faster than his peers. He may also be able to read and understand material that is not intended for his age. Your gifted child may also exhibit above average abilities in the arts or other fields.

Ask for Help

This is not necessarily next to the parenting tip of recognition. This however, may be a helpful parenting tip for parents who are unsure how to proceed or who have gifted children who are unusually difficult to handle emotionally. A suggested parenting tip is to have your child tested by professionals. You may also ask for special assistance from school counselors or ask them to recommend special ways to help your child.

Unconditional Love

Probably one key parenting tip to ensure that your gifted child grows up well adjusted is to communicate unconditional love and acceptance. You should communicate with your child and tell him that you love him for who he is and not because he can perform well in school or because he does things perfectly. While it is also a good parenting tip to show appreciation and praise for achievement, make sure that you tell your kid that you would still love him anyway even if he didn’t get a perfect score or an honor ribbon.

Reality Check

A related parenting tip to unconditional love is making sure that your child knows that not everything can be perfect at all times. This is a crucial parenting tip because gifted children may easily get frustrated as grown ups when things don’t always go their way.

Variety of Learning Experiences

One good parenting tip involves diversity. Gifted children may easily get bored over something they’ve easily mastered. Introduce a variety of topics and learning experiences. This will give you the chance to discover his strong points of interest and keep his learning topics at a healthy balance. Part of this parenting tip is to also school your child on social matters. It may be well and good to let him watch various educational books and CDs but consider letting him join play groups. Let him socialize with other kids.

Do Not Overload

While is a good parenting tip to offer various learning experiences, it is also important not to overdo it. You may have enrolled your child in violin classes, swimming lessons, advanced math classes, reading group and a variety of other classes. You might also just be treating a child like an adult with so many responsibilities. We all know it’s not pleasant to be overloaded so go easy on your kid. Remember, your child is still essentially a child so let him enjoy a little play and childish relaxation.

Being a single parent involves many difficult challenges. It’s even harder than it looks. Single parents deal with challenges all day, every day. Many of those challenges arise from being not only single but a parent. There are children to care for and take care of. And because you are the only parent, everything you do carries greater weight.

No matter what you do, as a single parent, you must think of its effect on your children. You must be diligent in keeping up with their activities and their thoughts as they grow up in a single-parent home. In fact, the biggest challenge of being a single parent is the effect of your status on your children.

The transition to a single-parent family is difficult for kids. They may feel abandoned or insecure. They may feel isolated and different from other kids, even if there are more single-parent families than ever before.

Your children may resent you for the loss of your spouse, or they may have unresolved issues with the missing parent. As a single parent, it’s your job to keep them talking about what’s going on with them and what they think. Even though they may resist, you need to get them to talk to you about their worries, their fears, and their anger.

And you need to let them know they’re all right. They’re normal kids despite their circumstances. They aren’t responsible for the change, and they don’t have to make up for it. You should give them as normal a childhood as possible and be a role model. Even when they don’t act that way, they look to you as their example of what a grown-up is and does.

Your kids need to know you’re there for them, no matter what. You have a busy schedule trying to earn a living and manage the household. But you must never be too busy for your children. Even when you are in financial trouble, the job can’t take priority over the kids. They need to know how important they are to you. They need to know you love them more than anything else.

You’re going to have to build a new relationship with your children. As a single parent, you’re the only source of affection and guidance in the home. Even if you weren’t close before, you’re going to have to get close now. One good way to do that is to do lots of fun family activities.

Another way that will help the whole family is to assign specific chores to your children that will help keep the household running efficiently. Giving them responsibility will help them feel that they belong and that they are important. It will also give them a sense of accomplishment necessary to build a healthy self-image.

Single parents need to admit that they need help and then get help. You can’t do everything by yourself. Trying to may ruin your health, your attitude, and your relationships with your children. Getting to know your neighbors is a great way to find people who can help you look after the kids when you must be away. Neighbors can also help with household repairs and yard work.

Your neighbors may also be adult companions and role models for your children, but you must be careful. Get to know your neighbors well before you allow your children to be alone with them. Remember that the world is a more dangerous place than it was when you were a child. There’s no substitute for good parental judgment.

Time is the enemy when you’re a single parent. You probably have to work, and that means being outside the home a lot. Unless you have help, it also means your children may spend a lot of time at home alone. You’ll need to take extra precautions and lay out specific rules for time you’re not there.

Children who are alone a lot are vulnerable to drugs and criminal behavior. Gang activities are sky-rocketing. You’ll have to find a way to monitor your kids while you’re not home. This difficult challenge must be met head-on or your children may pay for it with their very lives.

You may have a challenge with your children’s attitudes about you as well. They may blame you for their situation or think you’re not doing things right. They may not show you the respect you want and expect. And they may feel cheated if you can’t attend special events like birthdays, PTA meetings, parent-teacher conferences, recitals, and other events that parents usually attend. These time pressures are especially difficult for single parents.

If you can’t make the time to make at least some of these events, it’s time to have a talk with the boss. Maybe you can work out a special work schedule or do some of your work at home. If you can’t find a solution with your current job, you may need to look for other more flexible working arrangements. If both are impossible, it’s important that your children know and understand why you can’t be with them. Be honest. They’ll understand the truth better than no explanation at all.

It’s important to remember that you can’t just give time to your kids. It must be quality time that helps them grow and mature. They need to know that you love them and that you need them. Never give them the idea that they’re a burden to you. Tell them often how much you love them. Listen to them. Ask them questions and listen to their answers. Show your interest in them as individuals. Even when time is limited, you can make the time you spend with them special and positive. It’s worth the trouble. And your reward is the love and respect of well-behaved, responsible children.

Even when life deals you and your children a bad hand, you can make life together enjoyable and productive. You can build healthy relationships with your kids and watch them become happy, productive young adults.

Despite the many hard challenges of being a single parent, you must always maintain your perspective and honor the most important priorities. It won’t always be hard or unpleasant. You’ll have many happy times and lots of love and laughter in your single-parent family as long as you keep a healthy positive attitude and keep on working toward a better life for you and your children.

There is a quote attributed to Sigmund Freud, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”. So too of childhood behaviour and incidents; they may be simply within the range of normal childhood life. However, in the context of high conflict separated parents, the simple explanation can get transplanted with extraordinary suspicions and theories.

Normal childhood development has toddler-age children exploring their bodies, discovering the genitals and anus and taking pleasure from self-touching. They are at the toilet training stage of life and hence are drawn by normal parenting behaviour to attend to these body parts. In intact families as children are observed to engage in self-stimulation and genital play, they are simply redirected to either stop, or to engage privately at appropriate time and place. In the context of high conflict separated parents, there is a risk to ascribe these childhood behaviours to sinister behaviour on the part of one of the parents. So a parent may inadvertently bring greater attention to the child’s behaviour and thus actually reinforce the concerning behaviour themselves while at the same time alleging sexual abuse at the hands of the other parent.

As preschoolers, children take flight on playground equipment. They may be learning to ride their two-wheeler. Hence this is a time of childhood injuries, particularly bruises, bumped heads and broken arms. In the context of high conflict separated parents, a parent may be suspicious of child-abuse in view of injuries and use the situation to allege physical abuse or at least neglect. However, and again, even in intact families, children can get hurt; bump their heads and fall from bikes and playground equipment.

As school age children try to get their own way, they naturally try to pit parents against each other. They will use whatever strategy works. Kids may tell you that other kids are getting or doing what is desired or they may tell you that the “other parent” let’s them do as requested. In intact families, parents simply call their children on manipulative behaviour or at least check with the other parent to determine if what the child is saying is true. However, in the context of high conflict separated parents, a parent may take what a child says at face value and believe that the other parent is undermining their own parenting or the values of the child.

In intact families or even between separated parents with good communication, normal childhood events tend not to escalate with suspicion and drama. Issues are nipped in the bud and children are redirected to appropriate behaviour. Injuries are attended to without additional fanfare. A parent may feel guilty for a child’s injury, but not blamed per se.

In the context of high conflict separated parents, normal childhood behaviour and incidents can take on epic proportions. Otherwise normal behaviour can lead to suspicion or be used against a parent to undermine care and custody. As one parent cries foul, the other cries parental alienation syndrome. The fight is on and heats up to the point of boiling over. The child is caught in the middle and their behaviour escalates as a result. Both parents then use the child’s behaviour as evidence of their own claim against the other.

Here is where a good assessment is so necessary. The assessor will tease out normal from abnormal childhood behaviour and incidents and determine how much of a child’s behaviour is attributable to just the conflict between the parents versus truly sinister behaviour deliberately aimed at harming or neglecting a child.

Parents beware though. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, despite suspicion.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

(905) 628-4847

gary@yoursocialworker.com

http://www.yoursocialworker.com

Let’s face it, we all want to avoid making the same mistakes raising our kids we believe our parents or surrogate parents made raising us. This is especially the case when we still hold grudges toward parents for what has or has not become of us. Under this historical cloud, we know yet may not admit to the old adage: “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” What this adage speaks to is the IMPOSSIBILITY of NEVER being like the parents we recall as having “screwed us up.” As much as we swear that we will never treat our kids the way we were treated, the moments inevitably arise when we sound and act like our parents. This is human nature. We will on occasion, identify and repeat the most noxious and self defeating parenting practices employed by our parents.

I am excluding from this discussion all parenting practices that are criminal and traumatic if they occurred even once. I am referring only, to behaviors we are all guilty of from time to time and, that are only damaging if they persist unchecked over the course of many years. Such behaviors are not an immediate cause for concern. Some examples are: Yelling at our kids, being overly critical of them, and disciplining them in ways that are unfair and unreasonable. An occasional instance of poor judgment on our parts will not damage our children’s psyches. Our children will survive the inevitable physical bumps and bruises in exploring their worlds. Likewise, “good enough” parenting is imperfect and fraught with painful yet, invaluable learning experiences. As parents and children work out their differences emotional bumps and bruises will be looked upon in retrospect as developmental markers.

The real yet, too often overlooked potential for us to do harm to our kids may stem from the unintentional consequences of our obsessive and compulsive dread that we have been hopelessly “screwed up” by our parents and now these scars will render us helpless but, to “screw up” our own kids.   Our horror at our own actions whether admitted or not, is not an accurate barometer of our parental abuses of power.  More accurately, it is a barometer of ill will we still harbor toward parents we still behave like from time to time. The problems we create for ourselves originate with the labels attached to these grudges. We tend to generalize offensive and perhaps, injurious traits into blanket characterizations that are believed to be as amenable to change as spots on a leopard. Therefore, when faced with painful likenesses to our parents we are apt to judge ourselves as “bad,” “inadequate,” “unlovable,” etc., in the most unforgiving manner imaginable. Although, we are responsible for turning against ourselves we often deny responsibility for, and try to divorce ourselves from these negative identifications with parental figures we have not forgiven. We all do this to varying degrees by blaming our children for triggering the feelings we associate with these negative labels when “they push our buttons.”

In these moments when we get lost in self centered, emotional time warps, we stop thinking about how our actions may affect our children. In fact, the more years we wear a lament across our chest that reads: “Oh, I could’ve been _____or done_____ by now if my childhood had been different,” the more we tend to blame our children each and every time they push our buttons and remind us which tree we haven’t fallen too far from. These are expectable, normal and correctable bumps along the parenting trail. If we can accept what has happened to us and who we are today, we are in a position to work on and change those qualities we find distasteful. If not, we are likely to make our children miserable for what our parents made us miserable over.

For example, if we confuse even healthy self interest with a parent who was hated for being self centered, distant and uninvolved during our formative years, we may get in touch with self hatred and guilt and wind up resenting our children, when they loudly protest our requests for quiet time for ourselves. If however, we are able to take a step back, own, accept, and reflect on our reactions, we may within a minute or two calmly communicate to our children that our needs count too and that they must learn to respect them as important.

If after reading this article you are not even a glimmer more hopeful of changing ineffective parenting practices that need to be changed perhaps, you will delve deeper into the specific challenges you face raising your children. If you have already read the latest parenting primers, attended parenting classes, consulted your pediatrician, and still feel uneasy about what is happening at home you may benefit from a consult with a psychotherapist.

The New Year is a time for forward planning. It is a wonderful opportunity annually to take stock of where your children are in their development and to think of what you, as a parent may need, to keep up with change as your child grows and matures. What changes have you noticed in your children over the last year? Is there something your children are doing that is challenging for you to deal with? Is there a parenting skill you would just like to know a bit more about?

Here are seven ideas to think about to enrich your parenting in the coming year, beginning with easy immediate things you can do, through to more intensive approaches, which can lead to meaningful and lasting change in your relationship with your child.

1. Read a parenting book or two this year. Read about issues that are relevant to you and your child or simply soak up information about the age-group of your child so you are prepared for the changes ahead.

2. Do some research on the internet. Government agencies often have terrific websites for parents including free downloadable tip sheets that can be very helpful. Other websites can be helpful too – but always be careful to check the authenticity of the site and its information.

3. Talk to your friends about parenting and your children’s behaviours. This might seem a little obvious but it is a great way to understand whether your children are exhibiting normal behaviour for their age and to hear how other parents deal with it. This is something that mothers tend to do more than dads, so if you are a dad talk with your mates about what being a parent is like for you. It can be very reassuring to hear similar stories from other parents.

4. Join a support group. If your child has a particular special need, a support group can be very encouraging, while keeping you up to date with latest research and developments.

5. Attend some parent education classes. These classes offer interesting and up to date information about children or teenagers, particular parenting issues and how to handle them. Group workshops also have the advantage of parents linking in with other parents. This often allows parents to appreciate that what they are experiencing is normal.

6. Attend some parent-coaching workshops. Parent-coaching allows even deeper change for the parent because parents are encouraged to look at their way of being with their children and to make individual change for closer relationships. The best coaches ask really thought provoking questions and allow the parent to come up with their own solutions. Like parent education workshops, parent-coaching workshops also have the advantage of connecting parents with other parents.

7. Have some individual parent-coaching. This is a powerful way to make deep and lasting change in your relationship with your child. Coaching can be offered face to face or over the phone, which is a wonderful option for busy modern day parents.

Whether you try one of these seven options or other ideas you may have to benefit your parenting; there will be two winners in 2009: you and your children.

All the best for your parenting in 2009. May it be a year where you continue to learn and grow in your ever changing and vitally important role.