Co-parenting isn’t easy. It’s actually quite a chore. When neither parent is willing to negotiate or communicate, the child has the job of transitioning from one parenting style to the other. As a parent educator and family therapist, I have seen many anxious and confused children affected by their parents’ inconsistent rules and styles. Sometimes children do this under the same roof and sometimes under two, but the bottom line is that it is the parents’ responsibility to create a balance.

Parenting skills vary much like personalities. The differences can be as subtle as the setting of bedtimes to as serious as choosing consequences for bad behavior. The bottom line is adults have a number of motivations for parenting. For instance, they might try to do better than their parents. Thus, we attempt to find new and effective strategies to raise good kids. These ambitions can be difficult enough. Now add the challenge of joining forces with another adult who was raised by different parents and who may be select different strategies.

So how do parents, married or divorced, stay clear and consistent, raise confident children, and feel influential as parents? They learn how to work together and become better co-parents! Here are several successful co-parenting steps:

Identify your personal style and motivations. Your first job in becoming a successful co-parent is to figure out your general style and motivations. If it were all up to you, how would you parent? How would you motivate your children? How would you use punishment and encouragement? What are the top 10 values you would like to teach your kids? Now ask yourself WHY? Why would your style be that way? What is your motivation? How did your parents parent you? Are you attempting to repeat their upbringing or compensate for it? Share your parenting style and motivation with your co-parent. I understand that you might feel vulnerable sharing your style and motivation. Your style may be different than your spouse’s style. In order for you and your partner to co-parent successfully, you both need to appreciate and support the ideas you bring to the table. When you listen to where the other parent is coming from, it will allow you to join forces. Before deciding on a parenting style and direction, consult parenting books and classes. Now that you have looked at each other’s parenting style, take a look together at good parenting books and the current research. Report back to each other and consider how your styles measure up. Decide on a parenting style. You now have several examples of parenting strategies and philosophies. Its time to blend what you believe with what your co-parent believes and what the experts say. This is the ultimate in negotiation but remember that if you do not negotiate at the adult level, it leaves your child to figure it out. Once you’ve decided, then write down the basics and embrace your new co-parenting style. Implement your new co-parenting style. Now you parent! Both parents are on the same page. Children are clear on what is expected of them and what the consequences are if they do not follow the family expectations. Thus, it lessens the occasions of arguing between the parents and the opportunities for manipulation by the children. Hold weekly co-parenting meetings with your spouse. Since you are the CEOs of your family and are business partners in a very real way, you must stay in constant communication. The success or failure of your family rests in your capable hands. Thus, co-parenting meetings are a must! These meetings should include finances, home maintenance, parenting, and relationship issues. Meetings should be held weekly with schedule book, meeting journal and budget book in hand. Continue to review your parenting style. You may find that one child thrives under your new system while another loses balance. Good co-parents always re-evaluate and restructure when necessary.

We are busy parents today. It is difficult to take the time to evaluate our parenting styles but the payoff is big for you as a parenting unit as well as for your child. Co-parenting takes the pressure off our children and the conflict out of our lives.

Copyright 2008 Parent Education Group – Reprints Accepted – Two links must be active in the bio. The article homepage: http://www.familyauthority.com/articles/family-day.html

In intact relationships, parents do not usually consider how decisions are made with regard to the care of the children, let along who would carry out the various parenting tasks. However, once parents are living separate and apart, these issues must be clearly specified, understood and agreed upon to avoid conflict and assure proper care.

A Parenting Plan is a written agreement between separated parents setting out the rules and structures for the ongoing care of the children. Parenting plans are constructed with sensitivity to the developmental and cultural needs of the children and the ability of the parents to meet those needs given respective parental strengths, weaknesses and willingness.

Parenting Plans are generally developed on a consensus-building model between the parents, whose efforts may be supported by others. Depending on the nature and quality of support required, supports may include legal counsel, parenting coaches, child specialists, family specialists and other specialists with knowledge, expertise and training in matters such as: mental health, addictions, domestic violence, child development and the like.

As with the development of any plan between separated parents, it is necessary to be mindful of power and control issues and imbalances that could give rise to lop-sided agreements; agreements not necessarily in the best interests of the children; or agreements that may perpetuate harm or may place persons at risk of harm.

Parenting Plans typically contemplate matters in terms of responsibilities and authority as well as set out rules and structure for the direct care of the children between the parents. By way of example, one parent may retain authority for deciding a medical procedure, yet the other parent may be responsible for assuring attendance and implementation of the decision.

In view of the above, the Parenting Plan document will usually address at least, the following:

Distribution of time the children are in each parents’ care; Consideration for holidays, birthdays, special occasions, religious days, summer vacation; Transfer of care of children between the parents including transportation arrangements; Purchase/exchange of belongings; Healthcare decisions and responsibilities; Access to information; Extracurricular activities (how choices are made and rules for parental attendance); Involvement of new partners/family; Change of name; Religion; Education; Parental communication; Decision making processes and dispute resolution processes; Limits/rules on mobility and/or travel; Date or circumstances for review; Considerations for special problems (geographical distances, mental health, abuse/violence, etc.)

Parents are advised to consider the input of a professional with experience in these matters to be assured that their plan is appropriate to the developmental, emotional, psychological and safety needs of the child.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

(905) 628-4847

gary@yoursocialworker.com

http://www.yoursocialworker.com

Do not counter your parents.

Dalip Singh Wasan, Advocate.

People may believe that they have been sent on this earth by God Himself and we go back when He recalls us. But at the same time we shall have to accept that we have come here on this earth through our parents and up till now, we could not see a person who has come on this earth directly from God. Even the people who have got some place in mythologies and in history and who had been founding religions and had been telling us that they are God had come on this earth through their parents and none has come directly from the side of God. That is the reason in Hindu Shastras, it has been admitted that parents are above all and none on earth can have a place equal to parents.

Time is going on and we, who had started from stone age are now talking to the skies. In other words, what the parents could not do, their children are doing that. But still the children must understand that they had not come and they were not with all the wisdom, intellect and competency at their command when they were born. Their parents had been looking after them and they had been bringing them up. The parents had been saving him or her when there was cold, when there was hot and when they were wet or were lying in wet and dirty bed. The man knows that he starts caring for himself only when he comes in the age of 10 years or more and even at this stage, he is not in a position to earn and can provide himself for all the facilities which are required for proper development.

If one has an introspection, he shall come to the conclusion that he would no have survived had their been no parents or others to look after him or her. We all know that we need proper education, proper training, proper adjustment in life, proper earning and then we are to marry and settle a house. And lucky are those who have got parents and they could get all help from the side of their parents. The people who have got no parents because the parents died earlier or they had been lost in crowds, never get the same psychology as a normal child could get through parents. The child who got no parents to look after him or her remains all alone in life and he never feels that he has got someone to protect him or her.

The child is compensating his or her parents and therefore, there are chances that he or she would be having more education, more training, more wisdom, more intellect, more income and a higher status in society and in the work place, but still he is not better than his or her parents and therefore the child must keep in mind that he shall not compare himself or herself better than his or her parents. He must be thankful to his parents who could provide him facilities through which he could achieve these heights and should never counter his parents. We, the people of India know the story of Shri Rama who left his house only because his father had directed him to leave the house and even his rights to have the throne. It means, the order of the parents should be followed and no child should say that the order from the side of his or her parents is wrong and therefore, he would not follow that order.

You may carry out the order of your parents or you may not carry out the order of your parents, but one thing should be taken care of that you should not refuse to carry out the order of your parents at their face and tell them that they are in the wrong. The parents are not in a position to bear all this because they are living only with one hope in their mind that their children are obedient and they shall be carrying out the orders of their parents. This psychology and wish of the parents must be kept alive and the parents should fee proud of the fact that their children are advancing.

We must understand that all in the world other than the parents may feel jealous when we are rising, but the parents shall feel happy and shall pray for your more success. If we can pray for others, we must locate our parents who can pray for us and would always desire that we should go ahead and we should win all the ventures we have undertaken. Even your brothers and sisters may be having some love for you but still there are chances that they may not feel pleasure when you are rising higher and higher and sometime they may be having some property disputes with you. But your parents shall not be sad when you are rising. They shall be happy and they shall be proud of the fact that you are rising and rising higher in life.

So when we are allotting status and position to others, we should have more care when we have a look on our parents and they should be placed still higher and when we are doing all this we should not expect thanks from our parents. We are just doing something to repay the debt and we are not creating a debt against5 our parents. We are nobody to repay the debts which the parents have established against us and we may take thousands of such births, but still we are not in a position to clear the debts. So it is our duty to ensure that we are to say ‘yes my dear father, yes my dear mother’ and nothing more. No reasons and no explanations should be placed before parents nor we should try to establish before our parents that we are having more qualifications, more money and a higher status. We are still low and we should keep this position till our parents are alive and even after their dearth, we should not try to say that they had been in the wrong. They are right, they were right and they shall be right should be the lifelong idea with us.

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Parents of kids with ADD and ADHD have a hard job ahead of them. Not only do you have to deal with your child or teen’s symptoms (which can be very challenging), you also have to deal with many ‘systems’ out there that are not very understanding or supportive of kids and teens with ADD or ADHD. Parents have to take on the role of: parent, therapist, advocate, educational assistant, medication consultant, etc.

And the worst part is – most parents feel like they are being blamed for their child’s Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – and often you are being blamed.

Let’s be very clear up front: Parenting does not cause ADHD. This has been conclusively proven. I’ll repeat it: Parenting doesn’t cause ADHD.

If anything, having an ADHD child is very stressful, presents unique challenges, and creates low parenting satisfaction. Why? Because of the ADHD.

As a child psychiatrist and a parent myself – my experience is that most people have kids, and despite the fact that they are not experts in parenting, they try hard (and maybe learn about parenting through reading or classes) and their child turns out fine. You can call this ‘natural intuitive parenting’. Parents then pat themselves on the back and say ‘I’m a great parent’.

In contrast, the parent of a child with ADHD can do the exact same things – and a lot more – but they just don’t work. Instead of them being able to pat themselves on the back, everybody is trying to tell them how to parent their child because their child just doesn’t seem to listen. This leads to a lot of parenting frustration, and it makes it harder for the parents.

To compound the issue, often times the doctors and therapists involved in making recommendations for ADHD treatment suggest that the parents go for therapy, and the kid or teen doesn’t have to. This makes the issue worse, when the parent feels that he or she is being blamed by the doctor!

The reality is that even though parents may not be the cause of ADHD, you can be part of the solution. Research has shown that when parents use specific strategies designed to help with ADHD, this can improve their effectiveness as parents. This is often called ‘Parent Management Training’.

It’s important for parents of kids with ADD or ADHD to remember – you are not the cause of the ADD or ADHD, but you are part of the solution. Get the support and help you need, and keep trying all that you can. You know that your child is worth it!

A Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) is a legal action that terminates all of a parents rights to make decisions for a child or to care for that child.

A Termination of Parental Rights may be voluntary or involuntary. All too often parents are pressured into relinquishing their rights based on allegations of abuse, neglect or abandonment. The consequences are significant and long lasting. A parent should never enter into such proceedings unrepresented. The result is often final.

Under Minnesota Statutes, a juvenile court may, upon petition, terminate ALL rights of a parent to a child. It may do so:



with the written consent of a parent who for good cause desires to terminate parental rights (Note: wishing to avoid a child support obligation is not “good cause);

if it finds that one or more of the following conditions exist:



that the parent has abandoned the child;

that the parent has substantially, continuously, or repeatedly refused or neglected to comply with the duties imposed upon that parent by the parent and child relationship, including but not limited to providing the child with necessary food, clothing, shelter, education, and other care and control necessary for the child’s physical, mental, or emotional health and development, if the parent is physically and financially able, and either reasonable efforts by the social services agency have failed to correct the conditions that formed the basis of the petition or reasonable efforts would be futile and therefore unreasonable;

that a parent has been ordered to contribute to the support of the child or financially aid in the child’s birth and has continuously failed to do so without good cause. This clause shall not be construed to state a grounds for termination of parental rights of a noncustodial parent if that parent has not been ordered to or cannot financially contribute to the support of the child or aid in the child’s birth;

that a parent is palpably unfit to be a party to the parent and child relationship because of a consistent pattern of specific conduct before the child or of specific conditions directly relating to

the parent and child relationship either of which are determined by the court to be of a duration or nature that renders the parent unable, for the reasonably foreseeable future, to care appropriately for the ongoing physical, mental, or emotional needs of the child. It is presumed that a parent is palpably unfit to be a party to the parent and child relationship upon a showing that the parent’s parental rights to one or more other children were involuntarily terminated or that the parent’s custodial rights to another child have been involuntarily transferred to a relative under section 260C.201, Subd 11, paragraph (e), clause (1), or a similar law of another jurisdiction;

that following the child’s placement out of the home, reasonable efforts, under the direction of the court, have failed to correct the conditions leading to the child’s placement. It is presumed that reasonable efforts under this clause have failed upon a showing that:



(i) a child has resided out of the parental home under court order for a cumulative period of 12 months within the preceding 22 months. In the case of a child under age eight at the time the petition was filed alleging the child to be in need of protection or services, the presumption arises when the child has resided out of the parental home under court order for six months unless the parent has maintained regular contact with the child and the parent is complying with the out-of-home placement plan;

the court has approved the out-of-home placement plan required under section 260C.212 and filed with the court under section 260C.178;

conditions leading to the out-of-home placement have not been corrected. It is presumed that conditions leading to a child’s out-of-home placement have not been corrected upon a showing that the parent or parents have not substantially complied with the court’s orders and a reasonable case plan; and

reasonable efforts have been made by the social services agency to rehabilitate the

parent and reunite the family It should be noted that that parental right may be terminated prior to one year, or in the case of a child under age eight, prior to six months after a child has been placed out of the home.

It is also presumed that reasonable efforts have failed under this clause upon a showing that:



the parent has been diagnosed as chemically dependent by a professional certified to make the diagnosis;

the parent has been required by a case plan to participate in a chemical dependency treatment program;

the treatment programs offered to the parent were culturally, linguistically, and clinically appropriate;

the parent has either failed two or more times to successfully complete a treatment program or has refused at two or more separate meetings with a caseworker to participate in a treatment program; and

the parent continues to abuse chemicals.









that a child has experienced egregious harm in the parent’s care which is of a nature, duration, or chronicity that indicates a lack of regard for the child’s well-being, such that a reasonable person would believe it contrary to the best interest of the child or of any child to being in the parent’s care;

that in the case of a child born to a mother who was not married to the child’s father when the child was conceived nor when the child was born the person is not entitled to notice of an adoption hearing under section 259.49 and the person has not registered with the fathers’ adoption registry under section 259.52;

that the child is neglected and in foster care; or

that the parent has been convicted of a crime listed in section 260.012, paragraph b,

clauses (1) to (3).



In an action involving an American Indian child, sections 260.751 to 260.835 and the Indian Child Welfare Act, United States Code, title 25, sections 1901 to 1923, control to the extent that the provisions of this section are inconsistent with those laws.





A termination of parental rights requires a high standard of proof and must be proven by clear and convincing evidence. Any person with knowledge of the circumstances may seek to terminate parental rights. The end result of a termination is that the all rights of the parent may be terminated but it does not extinguish that parents responsibility to pay any past balance for child support.

“There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots; the other, wings.” – Hodding Carter

All parents want their children to develop into well adjusted adults, respected as much for the integrity of their character as for their professional skills. This doesn’t just happen overnight. It takes years of patient guidance, consistent discipline and above all, an abundance of love that is tangible to the child even during the worst periods in their growing up – and believe me, there will be many of those, before you can sit back and say with relief, “My work is done”.

Many people equate an abundance of love with spoiling their child. I think that perhaps they have not understood what the term LOVE means, especially as it relates to a child. Let us start with what it is not:

1) Love is not over-indulging your child, giving in to every whim of his/hers because you feel guilty, tired, afraid you would lose your temper or scared that your kid may not love you.

2) Love is not harshly disciplining your children for every little broken rule in the mistaken belief that you are doing it for their good and if you don’t punish them often and hard, a life of turmoil and misery beckons.

3) Love is not protecting your kids from the natural heart aches that come with growing up – whether it is a friend’s betrayal, loss of a pet or loved one, not getting something deeply longed for.

4) Love is not using emotional blackmail at any time or for any reason in order to control them and get them to do what you want them to do.

Love that is most beneficial to children is one that focuses on them and accepts them for the unique individuals that they are. To be a truly loving parent, we need to learn to be a bit dispassionate about our kids. Even the most well meaning of parents tend to forget this. Unbiased love for your children helps you to focus on the child, rather than the fact that he/she belongs to you. You then learn to accept the possibilities and limitations of each of your children and to marvel at their individual potential. If there are no pre-conceived expectations, there is less pressure on the child and there are no feelings of disappointment in the parent. When children sense that they are not being measured against their siblings or friends, their confidence grows, there are less disciplinary issues and above all, they feel valued for themselves. Learning to love our kids this way is one of the hardest lessons in parenting; it being so natural to think in terms of “My Children” with the emphasis on “My” rather than on “Children”.

Good parenting is a skill honed through trial and error. Most parents are so concerned about being good parents that they tend to over compensate for their perceived inadequacies. They tend to overlook the fact that most kids prefer laughter, a home filled with warmth and understanding and parents whom they can trust and turn to in times of trouble rather than being inundated with designer clothes, shoes and toys. How often do we hear the complaint that kids now-a-days are too obsessed with material things. Perhaps it is time we, as parents, ask ourselves how much we have contributed to our children’s obsessions. A lot of people seem to have lost faith in their ability to be good parents, mistakenly thinking that they should always be infallible. What we must never lose sight of is that for the most part, we do get it right and that our love for our children will guide our parental instincts. Problems arise only when we do not learn from our mistakes. Children seem to have an infinite capacity to forgive their parents if they know or feel that their mothers and/or fathers are trying to do their very best for them.

Parents are only human – a fact that is often ignored by our kids and even more so, by ourselves. It is alright to get angry or depressed, irritated or to just want some time to yourself. What is not alright is to let these feelings affect your behaviour towards your children. How you handle your emotions is a good indicator of how your kids will manage theirs when they grow up. Rather than pretend that everything is fine, it would be better if you explained to your kids that you are upset about something and that you need sometime to work through the problem. Not only will the children be relieved that they are not the reason for your turmoil, they will probably try hard not to upset you further. Explaining the rationale for your actions to your children in terms they can understand teaches them empathy, alleviates their concerns that they are the cause of your distress and shows them how negative emotions should be handled.

Most parents have a hard time trying to decide whether or not they should shield their young children from the harsh facts of life. War, famine, death – these are constantly in the news. Closer to home it might be the prolonged illness or death of a close relative, friend, or even a pet, the break up of a close friendship, divorce, losing a job or home. There is no guarantee that life will always be smooth sailing and the sooner children are taught to face such situations with equanimity, the more resilient they will be when, as adults, they have their own misfortunes to face.

Parenting can be stressful, it is often under valued and unglamorous yet it can be and very often is uplifting and provides some of our most precious memories. If we remember to relax and enjoy our kids, love them for who they are, try to inculcate a strong personal value system from a very early age, revel in their accomplishments and be a constant source of support for them, we can be sure of doing a pretty good job. There is, of course, the added bonus of our own self improvement as we try to be more like the person we want our children to emulate.

So you are a new parent? Congratulations! Welcoming a new child into a family is an exciting, thrilling time. It can be scary, too, of course. And rightly so. No where else in life will you experience the rollercoaster of life more than in the game of parenting. I know because I have four children and have been parenting for more than two decades. What words of wisdom for new parents can I offer you? Well, if I was to start all over with my kids, I’d want to know that there is an art and a science to the skill of raising a child.

The Art of Parenting.

This is the heart of your parenting. You love your child. You want the very best for him. You envision years of happy times together. This is all good! The feelings and desires you have for your family will motivate you when times get tough. And you can be certain, times will get tough. It’s simply the nature of the beast.

You can establish strong heart bonds with your child by intentionally cultivating the relationship with her. Starting as a baby, spend time with your little one. As one who has been there, done that, I can assure you there is no substitute for time spent with your child.

Get to know this new human. Figure out her personality, her quirks, her talents, her frustrations. This will do several things for both of you as your child grows.

* Allow you to be the person she trusts. Your tender knowledge of her will prove your trustworthiness to her time and time again. She will know you are the person she can come to, anytime, with anything. This will be invaluable all through her young life, and especially as she travels through the teen years.

* Give you knowledge that will help you guide her through the pitfalls she must traverse. Instead of wringing your hands and worrying, you will be in a much better position to take positive action as necessary. Remember, you cannot control your child, but you do have tremendous influence over her as her parent.

* Cause you to deepen your love for your child. Whenever you deepen a relationship, the result is a tighter bond. Yes, I’ll admit this is why you will hurt at times over your child. But deepening your love for your family is what will enable you to make the necessary sacrifices to care for them in the ways they will need.

No one said parenting is easy. But it can be extremely rewarding.

The Science of Parenting.

This is the head or thinking side of your parenting. This is where you apply all the skills you use in other areas of your life to improve yourself as a parent.

For example, you probably had some sort of education to be trained in your current job or career. Perhaps it took you years to learn your career skills. Perhaps it was simply a matter of on-the-job training. Whatever it was, you knew there was a learning curve involved. You may have continuing education requirements for your career, as well.

Thoughtful wisdom in parenting dictates there is also a learning curve. This is definitely an on-the-job type of training, but you needn’t feel overwhelmed. Parenting is the most popular career field on the planet. There is no shortage of books, seminars, classes, and mentors available to you concerning this topic.

Like any career, you’ll need to do a little research to determine which voices to listen to. I recommend making a list of all the parents you know who are raising their children in ways in which you respect. These are the voices to begin to listen to.

Be flexible in your parenting. What works in one season of your family’s life may not work as well in another. And what works beautifully with one child may fail miserably with another child. As you maneuver through the science of parenting, let your heart (art) be your guide. I am a firm believer that no one knows a child the way that child’s parent does. As you listen to other parents and learn through parenting resources, listen with your heart. Will this material work in my family? Could I adapt it to work more specifically for my family’s situation? Feel free to try parenting ideas and make adjustments over time. Very few ideas will work the first time, but many ideas will be invaluable over the long haul.

The last bit of wisdom for new parents I’d like to offer is this: give yourself a break. If you are loving your child and working to learn what you can about the parenting game, you are probably doing a wonderful job. Kids are flexible and can stand up to most of our mistakes. Have a humble and grateful heart and be determined to do whatever you need to do as a parent and you’ll do great.

There is no denying that homosexual parenthood is now a valid personal choice. Along with the increasing acceptance for homosexuality comes the increasing acceptance for homosexual parenthood. It cannot be denied however that homosexual parenthood still has a tremendous share of challenges. Homosexual parents may be in need of a good parenting article to help them through. The fact is, the practical parenting article for homosexual parents is not that easy to come across. This is because the common parenting article for same sex parents may involve in varying degrees a history of homosexuality, current views on homosexuality and experiential accounts. What is a parenting article for homosexual parents trying to tell us?

While a good parenting article should include some practical tips, a parenting article for homosexual parents should also include a lot of other things. This is because a parenting article for homosexual parents should also show the reality of how homosexuality is accepted in today’s society. Yes, your parenting article may tell you that many people are now accepting homosexuality and same sex parenthood as a valid way of life. On the other hand each and every parenting article for homosexual parents also tells you that homosexuality is still very much a controversial issue.

Your typical parenting article will tell you for example that among some higher ranking government officials, the concept of same sex marriage and parenthood is still not accepted. Your parenting article will also tell you that many other religious institutions, social groups and individuals merely diplomatically couch their words of disagreement and criticism. You will also be told that bullying in schools of children of same sex parents is still very much a reality. Why do homosexual parents need to know about all this?

A parenting article for homosexual parents should be able to inform parents of the present truths about homosexuality and how children of homosexual parents are actually treated. Such knowledge can better prepare homosexual parents for the unique challenges of homosexual parenthood. How can kids for example be taught confidence if they are derided in school? How can you expect your child to accept and understand your chosen way of life if his outside social environment is telling him not to?

A good parenting article therefore for homosexual parents should look into realities first before anything else to educate same sex parents. On a more positive light, a parenting article may also show the actual optimistic truths about homosexual parenthood. Reading in a parenting article about the good aspects of homosexual parenthood is both encouraging for homosexual parents and a way for them to educate their children about their family situation.

It is for example positively enlightening to know that according to studies, same sex parents are also capable of rearing healthy, normal and socially functional children. Many children of homosexuals are also able to develop meaningful relationships with people around them. Articles for homosexual parents should therefore invariably educate and encourage. Parenting articles for homosexual parents show the uncolored truth about homosexual parenthood, with all its parental joys and challenges.

ATTACHMENT PARENTING:  PARENTING IN A DETACHED SOCIETY

By Stephanie Lehane  (January 2009)

There is a modern-day debate surrounding a centuries old practice that has been coined “attachment parenting”.  To first understand the controversy, one must define the term attachment parenting.  Attachment parenting is a way of child-rearing that serves as a guideline, rather than a rulebook, for parents to better understand the non-verbal communication they receive from their infants, babies, and children.   At odds with this concept is the parenting style popularized at the beginning of the twentieth century and passed down for several generations since. 

The three main modalities of attachment parenting as they relate to infants and babies are  breastfeeding, babywearing, and co-sleeping.  It seems the mere mention of any or all of these invites a plethora of advice and opinion.   In the face of all of the scientific data pointing toward breastfeeding as the best form of nutrition for babies, women of previous generations will often advise that new mothers bottle-feed.  This same troupe of well-intended matriarchs often tends to rally behind the concept that a baby, even an infant, can be spoiled.   And of course nursing mothers who opt to co-sleep with their infants receive dire warnings of increased risk for SIDS and children who will be in high school still climbing into bed with mom and dad.  Yet, for centuries, mothers out of instinct and necessity carried, cuddled, breastfed, and co-slept with their babies.  It wasn’t until the advent of modern medicine and the advancements of science that mothers began to question their innate sensibilities in favor of advice from professionals, typically men, who would tell them that there is a new and improved way to raise a healthy baby. 

THE CONTROVERSY

Breastfeeding

All mammals nurse their young.  So why is this form of feeding and nurturing human babies controversial and how and when did it come under attack?  To be sure, breastfeeding mothers have an easier time avoiding stares and unsolicited advice when they choose to feed their babies in public today than they did a decade ago.  But some stigma still exists as a throwback to a more puritan, sterile era where doctors and formula companies alike, worked to convince society that not only was formula a better choice for babies, bottle-feeding was a more modest option for women.  The first commercial baby formula was invented in 1860 by Henri Nestle in Switzerland and became popularized during the Industrial Revolution when women were leaving the home to work in factories.  Bottle feeding reached its height in popularity during World War II with only 20-30% of women in the U.S. breastfeeding at all.   Many women still choose to bottle feed their babies today as it is seen as a more convenient method, in spite of the American Academy of Pediatrics’ current recommendation to exclusively breastfeed infants for six months and continue to nurse through age one.  However, breastfeeding is gaining in popularity during the Information Age where modern parents are growing confident in its overwhelming benefits for both baby and mother.  According to renowned pediatrician and father of eight, Dr. William Sears, not only is breast milk a sound nutritional choice, but the act of breastfeeding itself encourages the bond between mother and child.  In order to become successful at breastfeeding, mothers must be able to interpret baby’s cues and trust in their own instincts.  Mothers become child-centered and focus on their babies’ needs and how to meet them.  Likewise, baby is able to tap into and interpret her mother’s social signals and trust that her needs will be met.  A symbiotic relationship develops wherein both parties to the breastfeeding partnership must ebb and flow together.  Breastfeeding is often viewed as the first and most important aspect of attachment parenting.

Babywearing

Babywearing in all its various forms dates back to the origins of recorded history.  Anthropologists have uncovered ancient etchings depicting women carrying their babies wrapped in cloth as they worked, walked, and cared for older children.  Across cultural lines, many methods of wearing babies exists and a recently there has been a resurgence in popularity in the developed world.  However, around the same time as breastfeeding began to decline, so did the art and practice of babywearing, particularly in the West, and for the same reasons.  Mothers began to listen to the advice of their doctors who explained that holding and carrying their babies too much would lead to spoiled babies.  All sorts of inventions and devices, such as strollers and playpens, began to emerge as places for women to put their babies so as not to spoil them.  It took only a couple of generations to figure out that the opposite is actually true.  Babies who don’t receive enough tactile stimulation from being held are less organized, cry more, and in extreme cases experience “failure to thrive” which means they do not grow and develop as they should.  Recently, a Motrin ad was pulled because of the backlash from a new generation of babywearing moms and dads offended at the ads suggestion that babywearing is a new fad, something done to be seen as trendy and fashionable.  These parents opine that carrying baby close to them is not only convenient, but is a wonderfully fulfilling way to build a bond with their baby.  There are several different styles of babywearing devices such as slings, pouches, wraps and carriers and in some areas parents can find consultants to help them decide which style is best for them and their lifestyle. 

Co-sleeping

This is perhaps the most controversial of all of the different areas of attachment parenting.  Certainly, it may seem odd to western parents used to the concept of creating a separate nursery for baby, complete with crib, changing table, dresser, and rocking chair.  Historically, co-sleeping, or the practice whereby infants, babies, and/or children sleep in the same bed with their parents, has been a common practice worldwide.  Since the nineteenth century, this practice has decreased in popularity in North America, Europe, and Australia as separate sleeping arrangements became affordable and desirable.  Among the reasons opponents of co-sleeping cite in favor of separate sleeping arrangements are the possibility that a parent could roll over and inadvertently crush or suffocate her baby, increased risk of SIDS, and the inability of older babies and children to become independent and sleep alone.  However, recent research has shown significant benefits to babies and parents who co-sleep.  Studies have shown that co-sleeping may actually reduce the risk of SIDS due to the baby mirroring his mothers breathing and sleep-cycle patterns.  This is because a major factor in SIDS deaths may be the inability of babies to regulate their breathing, thereby actually “forgetting” to breathe.  Additionally, babies in the family bed experience shorter and fewer deep-sleep states.  This is important because prolonged states of deep sleep, such as occur after long bouts of crying or sleeping alone, are potentially another major cause of SIDS.  (Note:  co-sleeping is not recommended when parents smoke, use drugs or alcohol, or are obese).   But the number one benefit proponents of co-sleeping cite is more sleep for all.   The family bed may be particularly convenient for breastfeeding mothers who can easily resume nursing until both mother and child drift peacefully back to sleep.  These mothers point out that there is no awakening to the piercing cries of a hungry baby, frightened and alone, adrenaline pumping for all as bottles are warmed and parents attempt to stay awake to feed him, only to have him re-awaken when returned to a cold crib sheet.

So it seems that modern parents are beginning to embrace the wisdom of ancient times.  As tightly-knit communities wane in favor of loosely-knit networks, individuals are more connected and yet more alone.  The paradox of today’s society is that it is both easier and more difficult than ever to be a successful parent.  There is more information available to parents than at any time in history.  Yet, information comes at a price:  if not careful, it can take the place of instinct.  In the end, the best approach for parents is to read, research, and understand available parenting methods and then trust themselves and their babies to do what is best.

Ref.  Baby Matters, Dr. Linda Palmer

         Askdrsears.com, Dr. William Sears

         Breastfeeding in a Bottle Feeding Culture, Tina Rychlik

         Wikipedia